Midway through my third re-watch of the new Cats trailer, the thought occurred to me, “Oh, the fur actually doesn’t look bad. I think I get it, actually,” so I am pleased to announce that I am canceled. It is truly impressive that Hollywood continues to try to convince us that there is an actual Cats movie and that it is coming out this year and that it will be in cinemas, going so far as to produce two different trailers to further the deception. You have to admire the commitment to a scam. Illuminati MC Skat Cat did what he had to do.
As you may recall, the first Cats trailer introduced the world to the concept of “digital fur technology,” which scientists are still calling “violently against God’s plan.” That first trailer gave us such marvelous sights as 35 percent of Jennifer Hudson’s face and Judi Dench in JLo’s Hustler’s coat. Cats will go down in history as the first movie to be filmed completely in deep fake.
Do I want to see a feline Judi Dench pole dancing to “Criminal”? I mean, I would not say no. I believe that’s in the deleted scenes of Notes on a Scandal anyway. Or perhaps it’s included in this new movie “Cats” which is definitely a real thing and definitely going to happen and definitely not an elaborate hoax created to punish us for demanding they redo the Sonic the Hedgehog movie so that Sonic looked less like a Guillermo del Toro sleep paralysis demon. What hath we wrought?!
Ugh, fine, okay, let’s pretend that this is a real movie that I will pay my hard-earned Bitcoins to watch in one of those theaters where they serve you a Applebee’s-level dinner at Outback Steakhouse prices. If I had to pinpoint the source of my distress about the latest trailer, I think it comes down to the fact that it fully commits to revealing the mythology of the Cats world. The trailer tells you what the movie is actually about and that’s not a good idea.
For decades, it has been a commonly agreed-upon practice to keep the plot of Cats an open secret. To speak of it is to invite great terror upon the land and a curse upon generations of your bloodline. Imagine, if you dare, people just walking around saying, in casual conversation, “Cats is about a bunch of cats who sort of live in the human world but also in the alley where Garfield goes when he’s in heat. They all compete to see who will get to, like, die, and then be reincarnated. It’s essentially a cult. Or those blue aliens from the vending machine in Toy Story.” Chaos.
And that is the chaos that Dame Judi Dench of Hustlers fame invites into our lives in the opening moments of the trailer. “Tonight is a magical night,” she intones over deranged visual non sequiturs, “when I choose the cat who deserves a new life.” And suddenly, the secret that we have all worked so hard to keep contained is out in the world!
The trailer then proceeds to throw literally anything it wants at us because it knows that we are too stunned, our corneas too singed, our souls too blackened, to resist. Herewith, some things that broke through the veil as I slipped out of the realm of human existence:
Idris Elba Cat is a wanted criminal???
For what crime? Being too damn sexy for his own good? Lock him up! And lock me up with him!
A huge Times Square-style marquee that reads “Wake up and dream.”
What in the Live Laugh Love?! This has huge Instagram Influencer energy. I would watch 1000 hours of someone with perfect hair, painting a festive pumpkin or doing a deep-dive on their dream journal whilst sitting in front of this marquee, which is strategically placed in the only room of their apartment that gets any sunlight. Wake up and dream is such a contradiction in terms it’s actually inspiring in its audacity. Have I been asleep? Should I wake up? And then, perchance, a dream?! Like and subscribe!
Jason Derulo has no lines, only random phrases screamed at odd intervals. Said phrases include “Let’s dance!” and “MILK!”
I honestly do no know what Jason Derulo is doing in this movie or what I’m supposed to make of his character who, from what I can tell, is auditioning for a voice-acting role in a kids video game, but I must respect his deep enthusiasm and his commitment to thirst-craft.
A Gretchen Weiners cat says, “Cat got your tongue?”
Why do the cats know human phrases?! I will fight this to the death. What do the cats think this means? Do they mean it literally? WHAT CAT HAS GOT HER TONGUE? SHE’S THE CAT!!! I feel like Annie Wilkes in Misery right now! She is the cat who got her own cockadoody tongue!
Idris Elba Cat blows a kiss and bursts into a thousand brown sparkles!
Oh, bish this is the most fabulous thing I have ever seen and I am OBSESSED. This looks like how every drag queen imagines her funeral. Also? Idris Elba Cat is 100 percent nude?? And I am deeply into it??? He’s gone this whole trailer slinking around in a trench coat like a film noir detective and now he’s like, “You know what, let me get my freak on for a minute, strip naked, and then spontaneously combust into glitter.” Would not be the first time I’ve seen this, I have to say. One note: He has human feet, including little toes. The chaotic energy of this film knows no bounds.
Rebel Wilson calls herself a crazy cat lady, permanently disrupting the internal logic of Cats.
I still haven’t gotten a definitive answer to The Killers’ question, “Are we humans or are we dancer,” and now comes this new wrinkle. Are the cats actual cats or are they cat-people? Have they been cursed to live this existence by some vengeful god (perhaps Cate Blanchett’s character in Notes on a Scandal)? Are they aware of what people are or is this just a nonsense word for them like subpoena is to the Trump administration? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? And who has whose tongue?!
Taylor Swift Cat shimmies.
No offense to Taylor (truly!) but this is a cursed image and I want justice for her! What is going on with the cat cleavage? Taylor Swift Cat has a uni-boob and is doing Fosse (Fur-se?) and it’s all just so much. Siri, play “Beautiful Ghosts” because I’m dead.
Idris Elba Cat says “I love it.”
And as he did, I murmured “I love it, too.” So, I repeat: I am canceled. Pictured above: me. It’s been a nice run. See you on the Heavenside Layer. I’ll be the catperson screaming “MILK!”